Advice: Get off the Bench!

Ladies, ladies, ladies. All my single ladies out there. I pose this question: How do you get in the game, if you don't get off the bench? There are a lot of us whom are single, but the "available" light doesn't seem to be on. Single men should know that you are a single woman who is ready to mingle. This by no means suggests that we should throw ourselves at men (who is that going to help?), but do not be completely passive about it either. In recent weeks, I attended a singles happy hour mixer designed for single to meet and greet. As with a lot of these things, the male/female ratio began a bit uneven, favorably to the males. Then, I noticed that the ladies immediately took on this defeatist attitude about there being more women than men. Seriously, when is it not like that? Whatever social place you go, for men it's like fishing with dynamite. Even previously male-dominated zones such as gyms and sports bars have damn near been taken over by single women.

Here are some tips from one singleton to the next on getting the most out of singles mixers:

1.) Wear comfortable shoes. I don't know what it is about black women, but as soon as we go into a joint, the first thing we do is look for someplace to sit. Then we wait for guys to come over. And boy are we pissed when there is nowhere to sit! Except, it doesn't always work that way. If someone does come over and you've been parked in the same spot all night, this can limit the amount of contact from other guys. This is a mixer. You should be mixing. Motion creates emotion, so doing a simple, slow lap around the room, if only to review the merchandise, is great. You will find that a guy will stop you to talk.

2.) Stop eating. I know that after work mixers can be tricky because it has been several hours since lunch and you may be imbibing once you get there, so you would like some extra padding for your stomach lining. Fine. Just stop off for a quick smoothie or bite of something light before you go. Nothing says "do not disturb" more than having a plate full of chicken Alfredo with a side of fried calamari in front of you. No one wants to hold a conversation over someone's meal. And afterward you will be too full of carbs to even desire to move. Travel light. You cannot move around with a plate of food in your hand. A drink allows for better mobility.

3.) Lose the extra baggage. A lot of us fret when we are venturing out into the unknown to meet new people, so this is where we feel our sisterfriends come in handy as a safety net. Safety in numbers. What usually ends up happening is that you wind up glued to her side the entire evening so that you or she will have someone to converse with instead of meeting someone new. Also, men tend to go for those who stray from the pack. Try being a single man facing a whole herd of women when you can only talk to one at a time. Also, going it alone with do wonders for your confidence. This is the reason why I do not mind going out alone, because I always meet someone I can talk to. A male friend of mine once asked me why black women go singles spots or events and sit around talking to each other all night. "It's as if you guys don't want men to talk to you." he said.

I have decided to touch on these three, because at this one event, all three of these scenarios played out. These were sisters who were "on the bench" for no other reason than them benching themselves. Then getting together like a knitting circle and complaining about it.

Just a few tips from one singleton to another.

Morning Gripe Part Deux: End the "Dumbing Down" of Black Women

This is something that I have discussed over the past several months with several sisterfriends and we all have the same concerns. I am positive that evil forces exist that promote the mental destruction or "dumbing down" of black women in the form of mainstream media and black male propaganda.

1. Stop spending yourself broke on a man to prove to him that you are independent and not a "gold digger". I know that there have been several songs on the radio and men ranting about women being i-n-d-e-p-e-d-e-n-t or having enough money to "loan" them, but we mustn't buy into a blatant black male agenda to get you to spend excessive amounts of money on them in order for them to be bothered or to go out with them while they feel that they do not have to pick up a single check. I actually have to fool my father with trickery to pay for anything for him when we are out and this is the man who raised me. His ability to provide for him is a like a badge of honor. Back in his day a woman picking up a check was emasculating. True independence involves taking care of yourself.

2. Stop entertaining men who are married or domestically coupled with someone. These men come in the forms of strangers or casual acquaintances/friends who may find themselves attracted to you (it usually starts with them being too complimentary about your looks, etc.). This seems to be a slippery slope for black women in particular. There are a lot of frequently used lines and I suppose the reason for this is because they work on a lot of women. Swagger does not trump character ladies.

For example:

Separated is not divorced. It never has been and it never will be. I know a guy who backtracked after being found out and state that his separation may not be residential but it was emotional in other words in his MIND he felt separated).

**If he is "married but not happy", that is none of YOUR concern and he should discuss this with his wife.

**If his wife does not "get" or understand him, he should probably see a professional or a pastor (you are not his shrink and if so, do not forget to send that invoice).

**He is a great guy who has all the "goods" whose wife just does not appreciate how good she has it. If he wants more loyalty and attention, suggest he get a dog.

Guys of this ilk will try to convince you pursuing a relationship will be totally worth it and that you have indeed found a diamond in the rough who is "different" from all the others. Instead have faith that a man of your very own will come your way and you will be happy with that.

3. Take control of the way that you are viewed as a beautiful and intelligent black woman and eschew damaging things/images that state otherwise. Some of these things come from outside of our community (mainstream magazines) and from within (can someone please tell Tyler Perry that black women are not all that tragic). Him being a black man who "made it" is not enough for me to support anything that he does anymore. I do not jump on anyone's bandwagon that does not defend what I am. There are so many other black actresses out there other than Halle and finally, Zoe that can be on magazine covers. Kerri Washington has been working in black and mainstream films for several years now and is still one of the most underrated actresses right now. I would like to see more of her. For those who believe that black films only work when it is a biopic or combined with the element of the comedic and most times downright ridiculous: Theodore Witcher (who wrote and directed Love Jones) should be making more films.

Morning Gripe...

This has been an issue that I have been brooding over for a month or so now: The decline of the black woman.

I have to use a divide and conquer method to address these concerns due to time constraints, so here goes the first:

1) Appearance

When did we decide that it is okay to leave our house at 3 o'clock in the afternoon in pajamas? If I had a dollar for every time I saw a black woman walking down the street in shrunken Hello Kitty pajama bottoms and a tee shirt, I would be rich. When did we decide that this is okay. It's happening here in Atlanta and also in Florida (I had a girlfriend call me immediately when she spotted a young woman in the middle of the day parading around in this kind of getup). They are at the grocery store, at the park and I even saw a trio of them just strolling down a major (busy) street in Atlanta a week ago. And one of them actually had a plastic shower cap on her head! And no, she did not have a Jehri Curl. These are women no more than 25 years old and they are leaving the house at 5pm looking this way. Even if I am just making a quick trip to the Dollar tree, I am not leaving the house in pajamas. Put on sweats if you have to and if you cannot do something about your hair, put on a baseball cap (yes, even those aberrations with "bootylicious" crawled across the arse will do). I am not suggesting that we should all be pageant-ready wearing designer duds every time we leave the house and I understand each individual has their own opinion on what is fashionable and stylish. I am also not suggesting that one should not be an individual and stay true to personal style, but take some pride in their appearance and try to be decent. This too-cool-to-care attitude is not remotely attractive. Sadly, it is not just the younger generation who look to Nicki Minaj and Lil Mama for style inspiration who are among the afflicted. I see women who are clearly old enough to know better and are well into their 30's and 40's who also should take a more responsible approach to their appearance. I am someone who does their own pedicure every 2 weeks and I do my own facials weekly. I understand that we are living in economically strained times, so my pampering routine may not exist on an extravagant level, but it does exist and anyone can do it. If your feet are not decent, please wear closed in shoes until you can get yourself together. Life is particularly harsh on a black woman's feet and they need special attention.

The Stamp of Disapproval...

Do not expect a stamp of approval from everyone in support of your life's choices and goals. This includes family. This includes people who are your friends. This does not mean that they do not consider themselves to be friends. It could simply be that they do not "get you" as a person or what you are about. And you should accept that maybe they never will. It can take a long time for some of us to realize exactly who we are in our moment of being. Even with our faults. Yes, there are some of us who believe that all is wrong with the world around us and that we do not need any form of self improvement. We are all works in progress. You have to decide that forward movement and growth will be a lifelong task. Anything that does not grow is dead. It is my opinion that this realization helps us to become the people that we want to be. If you cannot take self inventory and be honest with yourself, how can you expect others to be? Know exactly who you are and be true to that person. God will place the people in your life that will understand, support and embrace your life's goals. The people who "get you" will find you.

Meetup!

I have been a member of this site since meeting a young woman at a wine tasting almost 3 years ago. For someone with an array of interests, this site is perfect. If you are interested in mingling with singles, knitting, dining, this site is perfect. there is no limit to the group that you can join. Chances are that you will find a group of people living in your city that shares a common interest with you and if not, there is always the option of starting your own group. I even found a group of people dedicated to the cuisine of the ethnic utopia that is Buford Hwy. I live in this area and love it. I had friends who wondered why I would want to live over here because there were so many Hispanics. I was moving from Florida, so this of course, did not concern me. Groceries are cheaper in this area as there is access to several farmer's markets. Also, Buford Hwy is several miles long and depending on which point you access, you run into several ethnicities. I have a restaurant for any type of cuisine I want no more than 10 minutes from my house. There are Mexican, Cuban, Korean, Hawaiian, Kosher, Vietnamese, Ethiopian, Indian, French, Colombian, Peruvian, Thai and Greek restaurants no more than a 7-mile radius of my home. And all of these ethnicities have communities in the area. Having long been a lover of culture and cuisine, this area is perfect for me and to share this interest with like-minded individuals is just a bonus.

For meetup groups near you, go to: www.meetup.com

I'm Back!

I am back from my vacation. I took a well-deserved week and a half long vacation. I was able to catch up with some old friends in a city of my former dwelling. I haven't had a real vacation in years. It was great to connect with everyone. The cruise was great. We got a great deal on it, so I was kind of skeptical. It exceeded my expectations. We visited Mexico, Key West and the Bahamas. Overall, it was a great trip and the weather was more than cooperative as it is currently hurricane season. Sadly, it is now over and it is time to get back to business as usual. First things first, I need to get my laptop fixed. It went haywire on me just before I went on vacation, so I had to put it off until I got back. Fortunately, getting back to work has been relatively easy as we are in our slower business period. So, I chose the perfect time for a vacation. One of my favorite holidays, Atlanta Downtown Restaurant Week is currently underway. Okay, so it's not a holiday, but it should be! DARW features some of the best restaurants the city has to offer who have 3-course menus priced at $25 and $35 for two weeks out of the year. I have tasked myself with having a dinner party of sorts at one of the restaurants next weekend. I usually go to one of the restaurants with a friend and decided to do it a little different this year and invite several. Here in Atlanta, I have met several people who are lovers of fine dining and great food.

Ready for My Vacation...

The time has come around for me to take a much-needed vacation. Other than the occasional 4-day weekend here and there, this will be my first in a couple of years. I am mentally and emotionally ready to go. I just need to get a couple more things up to speed. Although this is the vacation I need, it is not ultimately the one that I wanted to take. But I am making preparations for that. I will be stopping in Florida first to catch up with some friends and have a girls' night out dinner. I certainly look forward to that. I will be on a cruise abroad for this trip, but on my very next trip, I plan to fly abroad and see some really cool places. I still want to visit London, Paris, Spain & Italy. Another thing on my list to do: join a travel group. It can be too exhausting and time consuming planning a trip on one's own. I would rather just sign up for one of those all-inclusive pre-packaged deals. It lessens the stress of trying to accommodate yourself and others.